Grammar quandary (your response welcome)

I welcome input on this. I have a photo caption (edited slightly to remove people’s names from this public post) that currently reads:

John Doe participates in the latest health screening which includes measuring blood pressure and weight, and a comprehensive blood draw to measure blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides, and other parameters.

A proofreader was sure that it needed to be changed:

…which includes measuring blood pressure, weight, and a comprehensive blood draw…

Who’s right? Here’s my argument. There are two compound lists going on here. The screening includes two primary things: the measurement of two health statistics (which do not require a blood draw) as well as a blood draw to measure a number of other things. For example, if I turned the list around, it would be:

John Doe participates in the latest health screening which includes a comprehensive blood draw to measure blood sugar, cholesterol, tryglycerides, and other parameters, and measuring blood pressure and weight.

Mind you, I don’t want to turn it around like that because doing so doesn’t read as well. But what do you think? As I said above, what I see is that the screening includes two things—measuring some things that do not require a blood draw and measuring some other things that do require a blood draw.

Who’s right? Me, or the proofreader?

4 Responses

  1. R. Brooks says:

    Where is my grammar book when I need it? I see reasons for both. However, I think in the end I must side with the proofreader because all three are being measured, regardless of whether they are with the blood-drawing group or not. It sounds clearer to me that way at least.

    Either way, I think you need a comma after “screening” and another word instead of “measure” in the second half; I’ve chosen “evaluate.”

    Here’s what I would write:

    John Doe participates in the latest health screening, which includes measuring blood pressure, weight, and a comprehensive blood draw to evaluate blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides, and other parameters.

    Though I’m still not completely happy with this version either.

  2. Lisa Hall says:

    …and weight as well as….

  3. Alicia Adams says:

    You’re right. Here’s my version:

    John Doe participates in the latest health screening, which includes measuring blood pressure and weight, as well as a comprehensive blood draw to evaluate blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides and other parameters.

  4. Chris says:

    I’m pretty sure there needs to be a semicolon in there somewhere. Or just go with Lisa’s version.

    cl

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