Grammar quandary (your response welcome)
I welcome input on this. I have a photo caption (edited slightly to remove people’s names from this public post) that currently reads:
John Doe participates in the latest health screening which includes measuring blood pressure and weight, and a comprehensive blood draw to measure blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides, and other parameters.
A proofreader was sure that it needed to be changed:
…which includes measuring blood pressure, weight, and a comprehensive blood draw…
Who’s right? Here’s my argument. There are two compound lists going on here. The screening includes two primary things: the measurement of two health statistics (which do not require a blood draw) as well as a blood draw to measure a number of other things. For example, if I turned the list around, it would be:
John Doe participates in the latest health screening which includes a comprehensive blood draw to measure blood sugar, cholesterol, tryglycerides, and other parameters, and measuring blood pressure and weight.
Mind you, I don’t want to turn it around like that because doing so doesn’t read as well. But what do you think? As I said above, what I see is that the screening includes two things—measuring some things that do not require a blood draw and measuring some other things that do require a blood draw.
Who’s right? Me, or the proofreader?
Where is my grammar book when I need it? I see reasons for both. However, I think in the end I must side with the proofreader because all three are being measured, regardless of whether they are with the blood-drawing group or not. It sounds clearer to me that way at least.
Either way, I think you need a comma after “screening” and another word instead of “measure” in the second half; I’ve chosen “evaluate.”
Here’s what I would write:
John Doe participates in the latest health screening, which includes measuring blood pressure, weight, and a comprehensive blood draw to evaluate blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides, and other parameters.
Though I’m still not completely happy with this version either.
…and weight as well as….
You’re right. Here’s my version:
John Doe participates in the latest health screening, which includes measuring blood pressure and weight, as well as a comprehensive blood draw to evaluate blood sugar, cholesterol, triglycerides and other parameters.
I’m pretty sure there needs to be a semicolon in there somewhere. Or just go with Lisa’s version.
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